Greetings, ladies and gents, from the northerly half of this dynamic duo of dynamos.

That may have been redundant. You may expect this as a theme.

Anyhow, we're less than a week removed from the 612 Party, our semi-annual celebration of all things great about our fair city of Minneapolis, which doubles as my semi-annual chance to invent some bizarre new beverages. If you're not a professional, pouring drinks for 100 or so people can be a daunting task, and there's nothin' like pre-mixing to make your cocktails, and your evening, go down a bit smoother. And I've had very, very good luck with a couple of pre-mixed cocktails, which you may wish to consider for your next classy party (the first one) or ridiculous gathering of people who find things like Tang and Boone's Farm amusing (the second.)

Onward, then, to the Purple Rain. This cocktail was born of two simple desires: a Prince-related drink name, and a purple beverage. It fits the bill on both counts, and also (a) tastes good and (b) kicks your ass down the stairs after too many.

The recipe's simple:
Pre-mix two parts UV Grape Vodka and one part Dr. McGillicuddy's Cherry Schnapps. (Or a 1.75L of the former and a 750ML of the latter. Close enough.) The non-alcoholic mixer is pretty sweet, so if you like a little less sugar and a little more dryness to your punch, go 'head and cut this with half a part of your standard vodka and a couple dashes of lime-y gin.

Once you've got your pitcher of the firewater made, just fill an ice-laden highball 2/3 of the way with it, then top with sour and a splash of sprite. Maraschino cherry is optional, but classy.

And then there's Not Classy At All, But Surprisingly Tasty: the Blondyke.

We thank Mr. Kanye West for the name, and a not-very-ingredient-heavy bar for the mix:
For this wicked brew, make yourself one quart of Tang powdered astronaut OJ, and go easy on the recommended water. Then -- I am not kidding about this -- add one bottle of Boone's Farm Wine Product, Wild Island flavor. Stir thoroughly in your favorite pitcher/punchbowl, and add 4-8 oz. of Bacardi O orange light rum. To serve, just pour over ice. (Or, if you want to confuse people, shake with ice and strain into a martini glass, the likes of which has never seen Tang before.)

And, really, it's that simple, and you've got a couple of very colorful beverages for your light and heavy drinkers alike, and you can sit back and enjoy the powdered, dehydrated and reconstituted fruits of your labor.